What was with the fear and surprise of the locals as they raced out in boats to greet them, native style? What, no matter where you go, a crowd of black men STILL frightens you? What’s to be scared of when they’re paddling in boats? If they were going to do anything, just turn on the engine and move away. Ok, the flinching while they’re charging at you with spears was understandable, but don’t forget, YOU’RE ON TV. Nobody’s going to be killing anything with two legs on Survivor for a few seasons yet.
Speaking of which, what’s up with Mark Burnett’s hatred of pigs? Mike cheerfully killed one on Survivor 2 and now we get a pig sacrifice. mmmm, bacon...anyway I was going to complain about the pig hatred, but then I realized pig (especially smoked pig) can be pretty damn tasty, so nevermind.
The other thing about boys vs. girls is the homosexual undercurrent. I mean come on, a man has to climb up a greased pole to get a rock?! Tell me that’s not subliminal advertising from our homosexual overlords. If I’m going to have to look at look at group of half naked men for the next weeks, at least flash me some boobs occasionally. Which is the upside of boys vs girls, massive segments of female skin, which for those who like that sort of thing, is just great. Better than smoked pig even. mmm, pig....
Is this Survivor 8 or 9? I’m not sure, the whole All-Star/Rupert Show thing threw off my count. But one of the blessings of Survivor is the constant reminder of one of the best (and worst) things about being at the top of the food chain: the number of assholes allowed to live. Other species wouldn’t let this crap go on, they’d just kill’em and move on. Oh, we’ve lost touch with our roots.
I realize now that it doesn’t matter how long Survivor lasts, how many previous shows there are to study, there will ALWAYS be somebody who doesn’t understand group dynamics. Rory, the One Black Male (TM), who in a strange twist for the OBM, is portrayed as angry, sullen and arrogant man, starts arguing with the other men about how and where to walk AFTER they received specific directions on where to go to reach camp. Rory wanted to go up the hill and through some trails, Rory, Rory, RORY. Jeff said go down the beach till you reach camp. It’s not hard, man, just walk, bond with fellow team members so you can stab them in the back later, just like any office. I’d ask whether you’d ever seen a Survivor season before, but it doesn’t matter because there’s always somebody who wants to tell everyone else what do do, which is fine when you’re a roman emperor, but not when you’re the only black man on the island. And it’s not like the women are any better, though they have boobs, so I can at least forgive them. But they started arguing about minor crap, and almost seemed close to a screaming match, but sadly, not a mud wrestling match or even a full on lesbian orgy. Or maybe that’s just the drama queen antics of Eliza? Or was it the stubbornness of the older, but perhaps not wiser, yet still lovable Scout, who wanted to stop and camp right there, rather than find the campsite? Scout, what are you going to camp with, your buffs? Heh, buffs has the same number of letters as boobs. heh, heh.
One of the other annoying tendencies of boys vs girls, besides my regressing to 10th grade, is the macho stupidity of the men, who believe they’ll win, ‘cause, well, they have a penis, or peni, if you prefer. Guys, let me remind you of something many women know: the penis can actually make you dumber (and ladies, don’t go getting all smug, ‘cause those vaginas have gotten ya’ll into some pretty bad scrapes also, in case you’ve forgotten about those last call episodes). But it’s usually the men who have so far to fall, which I never understood. Sure, as a man, I’m stronger than most women naturally, but any female athlete can probably kick my couch potato ass, because she’s an athlete. Same goes for any super genius women. But I got’em both beat in the lazy, groin scratching area.
You’d think the men would realize how much trouble they can be in, after seeing the layout of the first challenge. Yes, guys, it’s the balance beam. I’m not sure what it is, but we all suck at it. If we see a balance beam, we should just throw in the towel, because the women always kick our butts on that. I think it’s their boobs, though that’s probably just me and my fetish. So the girls win, the boys are in shock and Jeff smugly walks off. It’s a script guys, pay attention next time!
Now, what gets interesting is how Chris, who singlehandly lost if for the guys, proceeds to start wheeling and dealing, realizing that the physical aspects of the game don’t mean much. In a rather nice twist of fate, we have some serious game playing going on from the first episode and pretty boy Brook gets thrown out on his ass, just for being pretty and strong, while fat, obnoxious, and no sense of balance Chris manages to stay in the game, no doubt inspiring my boss.
So what did we learn from all this?
1. Black people are scary, wherever you go (dad was right!).
2. There can never be two minority men on survivor.
3. There’s at least one asshole in every group.
4. Men don’t think women can kick ass
5. Woman can kick ass
6. Men should be wary of balance beams
7. Fat, scheming people will inherit the earth, which means all you skinny people will be our slaves or appetizers.